Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.