Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
That’s incredible! 👌
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”