I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline