future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
You Might Also Like
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.