Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’m so full I could puke a horse