[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
You Might Also Like
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
🤣😂🤣
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?