Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun