Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.