When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL