Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
You Might Also Like
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Swedish for common sense.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.