Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
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what’s the point then??
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
So the ex texted me
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems