Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Modded the new Gran Turismo