I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.