Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mommajessiec's best tweets

@mommajessiec : Husband: I love everything about you. Me: Even my toe hair? H: What toe hair? Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

@mommajessiec: Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

@mommajessiec: Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

@mommajessiec: Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

@mommajessiec: Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

@mommajessiec: [in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

@mommajessiec: Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

@mommajessiec: Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@mommajessiec: Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

@mommajessiec: Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.