@mommajessiec: Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
@mommajessiec: Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
@mommajessiec: Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
@mommajessiec: Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
@mommajessiec: [in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
@mommajessiec: Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
@mommajessiec: Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
@mommajessiec: Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
@mommajessiec: Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.