Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mommajessiec's best tweets

@mommajessiec : Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

@mommajessiec: *Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@mommajessiec: A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

@mommajessiec: [child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

@mommajessiec: I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@mommajessiec: My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

@mommajessiec: My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

@mommajessiec: Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@mommajessiec: My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

@mommajessiec: I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.