Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mommajessiec's best tweets

@mommajessiec : *looks at 4 children* “You leave me no choice.” *eats last 3 cookies*

@mommajessiec: [50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

@mommajessiec: Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

@mommajessiec: *giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

@mommajessiec: Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

@mommajessiec: Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

@mommajessiec: My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

@mommajessiec: 6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

@mommajessiec: Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

@mommajessiec: Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year