Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mommajessiec's best tweets

@mommajessiec : Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday? 6yo: A recorder. Me: How about a pony instead?

@mommajessiec: Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

@mommajessiec: 6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

@mommajessiec: Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

@mommajessiec: Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

@mommajessiec: *opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

@mommajessiec: 9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

@mommajessiec: I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

@mommajessiec: If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

@mommajessiec: My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.