Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
You Might Also Like
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
me linking you to my twitter
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.