Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you