the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know