“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
(Musicians.)
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.