A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“Sheer Arrogance”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.