Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrjohndarby's best tweets

@mrjohndarby : went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said 'isnt that too many?' so i said 'yes' and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@mrjohndarby: [taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we'll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

@mrjohndarby: if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say 'please' then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

@mrjohndarby: [zombies banging on the door]
her: they're here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven't even got the wine chilled

@mrjohndarby: [asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

@mrjohndarby: [when i invented the mirror]
oh look it's that ugly guy from the pond

@mrjohndarby: [arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

@mrjohndarby: her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

@mrjohndarby: [watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

@mrjohndarby: [my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i'd like to apologise to everyone here once again