Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrjohndarby's best tweets

@mrjohndarby : [buys new refrigerator with water dispenser] day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser day 15: still luvin' this water dispenser day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

@mrjohndarby: [date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I'd love em to be as hairy as armpits

@mrjohndarby: Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

@mrjohndarby: [meeting my gf's parents]
her: *quietly* don't worry, my dad's nice but he doesn't say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@mrjohndarby: Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she's a keeper

@mrjohndarby: [childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT'S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@mrjohndarby: That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there's one extra, so they sacrifice him

@mrjohndarby: guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone's going to remember my name

@mrjohndarby: People who say 'mayo' instead of 'mayonnaise' live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

@mrjohndarby: [arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?