Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrjohndarby's best tweets

@mrjohndarby : [calling in sick] me: the doctor told me to stay in bed boss: how long? me: just a normal size one

@mrjohndarby: [first day as a vet]
me: what's the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@mrjohndarby: Me: I'd like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don't, I've had a long day

@mrjohndarby: me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i'm all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

@mrjohndarby: [aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that's good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you're not gonna beleive this

@mrjohndarby: my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

@mrjohndarby: marriage counsellor: so what's the problem?

me: i don't know

my 'friend': i'm tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

@mrjohndarby: me: hey everyone, this is steve. he's danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he's nothing like me

@mrjohndarby: doctor: im afraid we're going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i'll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

@mrjohndarby: sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you're free to go