Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture