Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
You Might Also Like
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
this is the best interaction on twitter
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Bit chilly again tonight.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.