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Page of mrtiredeyes's best tweets

@mrtiredeyes : landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

@mrtiredeyes: colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

@mrtiredeyes: doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@mrtiredeyes: [first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

@mrtiredeyes: me: how should i tell my kids they're adopted?

kid: not like this

@mrtiredeyes: Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@mrtiredeyes: When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

@mrtiredeyes: When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

@mrtiredeyes: me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this