Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrtiredeyes's best tweets

@mrtiredeyes : me: no shoes in the house murderer: sorry

@mrtiredeyes: me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

@mrtiredeyes: [in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

@mrtiredeyes: me: goodnight moon :)

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars :)

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard :)

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@mrtiredeyes: friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you