Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrtiredeyes's best tweets

@mrtiredeyes : [first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

@mrtiredeyes: me: how should i tell my kids they're adopted?

kid: not like this

@mrtiredeyes: Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@mrtiredeyes: When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

@mrtiredeyes: When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

@mrtiredeyes: me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

@mrtiredeyes: [in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

@mrtiredeyes: me: goodnight moon :)

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars :)

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard :)

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@mrtiredeyes: friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you