“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You Might Also Like
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
You had me at “define legal”.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.