Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : [cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

@murrman5: *calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

@murrman5: [to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

@murrman5: *calls sister while babysitting for her*
"the younger one says you guys don't own a snake. this true?" [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

@murrman5: [surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who's always been a good tipper] you're welcome

@murrman5: [showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

@murrman5: police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

@murrman5: my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

@murrman5: titanic but with Jackie Chan
"so he like fights the iceberg?"
no everything is exactly the same

@murrman5: other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut