Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle? me whispering to my lawyer: do something

@murrman5: “You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@murrman5: [whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@murrman5: [commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

@murrman5: [waiting for date to get ready]
"im almost done"
no rush I'll just play with the cat
"I don't have a cat"
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

@murrman5: “loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

@murrman5: [roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

@murrman5: [cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

@murrman5: *calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

@murrman5: [to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone