Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : lower my casket into the ground and play "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@murrman5: [ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

@murrman5: I'm off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

@murrman5: [me adjusting paintball mask] it's too bad we aren't on the same team
date: yeah

@murrman5: "you're too polite"
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn't usually bark at strangers

@murrman5: *holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

@murrman5: [wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@murrman5: "john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date"

@murrman5: [at funeral]
"my phone is vibrating"
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
"no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED