Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : *doesn't turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

@murrman5: [robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

@murrman5: [date smiles as I pour more wine] it's like you're trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

@murrman5: [me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

@murrman5: if you come out with us you can't lie about making your own soup
"those days are behind me"

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

@murrman5: [her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

@murrman5: [trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what's your 12th favourite juice?

@murrman5: me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they're all vets?
me shaking head no: they're all animals

@murrman5: [me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@murrman5: "did you ever get married?"
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no