Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : [wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

@murrman5: *stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"

@murrman5: "I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys"
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

@murrman5: ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

@murrman5: wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

@murrman5: me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

@murrman5: [wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn't be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

@murrman5: coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@murrman5: *at a rave*
"EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?"
*45 minutes later*
"THIS IS A LONG SONG"

@murrman5: [boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what