Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : *at a rave* "EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?" *45 minutes later* "THIS IS A LONG SONG"

@murrman5: [boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@murrman5: [neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

@murrman5: [calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

@murrman5: [priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

@murrman5: [sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
"ohhh yeah?"
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

@murrman5: how much would it cost?
"the guy who does our estimates isn't here right now"
around what time will he be back?
"did you not just hear me?"

@murrman5: *pushes math homework away in 1990*
I'll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

@murrman5: [whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

@murrman5: my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something