me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
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A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!