Funny Tweeter

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Page of mynameisntdave's best tweets

@mynameisntdave : I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn't even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

@mynameisntdave: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the "shapeshifter" look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: ...I dont remember

@mynameisntdave: Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

@mynameisntdave: LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

@mynameisntdave: Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

@mynameisntdave: ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he's back and he brought a horse with him this time

@mynameisntdave: Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.