Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.