microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.