Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
plant them where lol
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’m being attacked 😭
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’