waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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How to find Kentucky on a map
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Just me?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?