Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
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[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.