*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
remember
only for emergencies
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”