I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I missed you with all my darts
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this