If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that