Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Thrilling chase underway
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I bet birds love this building.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”