Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of nbadag's best tweets

@nbadag : [christmas eve] SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus! ME: listen kiddo, about santa SON: yea? ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig SON: what ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@nbadag: [jurassic world]
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it's too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i'm saying at all

@nbadag: [me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@nbadag: [hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@nbadag: HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@nbadag: [to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@nbadag: [commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@nbadag: BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

@nbadag: ME: here's your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

@nbadag: [the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles