Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ndiquote's best tweets

@ndiquote : me: i’m not afraid of death [2 mins later : stubs toe] also me: OMG I’M DYING

@ndiquote: [first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

@ndiquote: interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@ndiquote: [foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@ndiquote: [at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

@ndiquote: interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : ...so I can pay my electricity bills

@ndiquote: My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@ndiquote: can't now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@ndiquote: My heart say "Yes"
But my mom says "No"