There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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I need a chiropractor for my brain.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds