Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.