A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames