What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You Might Also Like
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
What a website
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to