Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?