Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.