I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.