The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
stop
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”