I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up