Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.