Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.