Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-