I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake