it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
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Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Just a phase…
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
For the ones in the back.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.